PS3 or not to PS3

The title is pretty self explanatory, but I'm basically weighing up the pros and cons of buying a PS3. If this sounds worse than listening to Cliff Richard's back catalogue with an eel up your ass then you can always go and do something else. I hear that internet porn is great this time of year. For those very select few who find video games vaguely interesting, why not stay a while and expel a few pity lols on me.
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PROS

1. God of War III


I can't explain why these games are worth spending time on and when I try it doesn't really do them any justice. Despite what I've just said I'm going to give it a go. You play as Kratos, who is most probably the god of war. For some reason or other Kratos is unhappy about something and decides to take his frustration out on the entire world. Even though I have completed God of War: Chains of Olympus, I can't expand any more on the game's lore without going red in the face. This is not because I think the story isn't worth going into, but because I was simply having too much fun annihilating every thing on screen to stop and listen to it. And this is essentially the beauty of God of War games, they are like aesthetically pleasing punch bags that you just never get tired of hitting.

It's not as if you have to work at these games to get any sort of rewarding experience either. Chains of Olympus for example has you slathered in red war paint and firing catapults with your foot in the opening sequence. And unlike games where you don't get a decent weapon till halfway through, GoW starts you off with two flaming daggers with massive chain attachments. We're talking about blades that are on freaking FIRE here! Call me easily pleased but what else beats wind-milling into a crowd of helpless goons with a pair of fiery chainblades? A life and a job? I don't think so...

God of War III looks to be essentially the same thing again only on a much grander scale. Before you say 'meh' the few clips of the game look really impressive. The character models have been greatly improved, new combat elements have been introduced and the game can handle extra levels of gore and more enemies than the previous two could have dreamed of. It's also worth noting that you can pick a dude up and use him as a battering ram to kill shit-loads of other dudes. Yes human battering rams have been included. God of War III looks dumb, fun and altogether so bloody and violent it'll be like the centrefold from Serial Killers Monthly. Only with a bit more blood. And fire. And Greek mythology. Oh, it's going to be sweet.

2. The Last Guardian


This game again looks really interesting but for completely different reasons. Created by Team ICO (ICO, Shadow of the Colossus), The Last Guardian looks to be an immersive adventure set in a highly stylised 3D world. There aren't many games that can manage to captivate a player based on just their visuals alone, but this seems like it could be one of them. Team ICO to me are like the Studio Ghibli of the gaming world in that there's something so unique and charming about everything they produce. It's a form of quirkiness and style that a lot of their contemporaries can't offer and means that they'll rarely appear stale or unoriginal. I'm looking at you Darksiders!

From what I've seen this game surrounds the tale of a small boy who stumbles upon a massive beast and the two of them must work together in order to overcome all manner of different puzzles. This may sound like a sort of lame Never-ending story rip off but it isn't, so shut the hell up init. The giant creature, whose name I can't remember, is particularly impressive and looks like the guilty love child of a genetically altered bird and cat. The detailing on this animal is mind blowing and I really can't wait to see what the final product turns out like. If this game is anything like Shadow of the Colossus it should be awesome. I want.

3. Final Fantasy XIII and XIV


Yeah so I can play Final Fantasy XIII on my 360 but I'm sure it's going to look better on the PS3. If I had the choice I'd opt for that version, wholly on the basis that if I'm going to stare at something for hours it may as well look pretty. I'm very excited about both these games, however I won't be able to get FF XIV at all unless I take the plunge and get a PS3.

Although some people recoil in fear at the sight of an 'MMO', I think they can offer a far better experience than a simple RPG. FF XIV falls under this category and that fact alone will probably put most people off. MMOs get a lot of stick for being 'sad', which is predominately due to negative stereotyping and false ideas as to the sort of people who play them. Just because you're playing an online game doesn't mean you're a fat, middle-aged man swimming in a pile of stale Wotsits and Star Wars paraphernalia. Jesus! For one thing you're playing with real people and you're not just wondering about on your own with a bunch of AI - something you would be doing in a 'normal' game.

Not only this but these games tend to be deeper than Jordan's ass and offer a hell of a lot of value for money. Why wander around a tiny linear world when you can explore a fucking massive one? A girlfriend you say? Nonsense! Unfortunately you do have to pay a monthly subscription. Wait! Come back! This isn't as bad as it sounds, they usually cost less than a tenner (or so I've read) and if you like the game you may not have to buy another for months or even years! And FF XIV does look like one of those games. Don't get me wrong FF XIII will be amazing (and can't be more of a disappointment than its predecessor), but FF XIV could steal a good few months more of my time if I go out an buy a PS3.

4. The Uncharted games


Now I know about as much about the Uncharted series as I do about 18th century politics. And that's zilch. They could be first person gardening sims that test your potato growing proficiency for all I know. I have seen a few screens but other than noting that the main character has brown hair I can't really tell you a lot more. Both these games appear on a lot of hot lists and with an IGN score of 9.5/10 Uncharted 2: Among Thieves must be pretty fucking sweet. So my excitement here is based on nothing more than glowing reviews, but in my defence there are a bucketload out there.

5. I'd finally have a Blu-ray player!


I've looked into Blu-ray players before and they are still a hefty £120, even for the most basic models. Things like Avatar and Up don't deserve to be viewed on crappy DVD and I do think the difference would be noticeable on CG heavy flicks like those. What's more it's only a matter of time before Studio Ghibli put out some Blu-ray, so I'd be able to watch crystal-clear versions of things like Howl's Moving Castle and Princess Mononoke. Awesome!
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CONS

1. The slim isn't backwards compatible


Although the original PS3 does have this feature it's altogether inferior to its skinnier counterpart. The PS3 slim is not only thinner and sexier, but it's also packing a bigger HDD, making it a far more attractive option. If I wanted an original PS3 I'd also have to get a 2nd hand one and who knows what its mysterious previous owner could have done with it. Pubey control pads... yuck! I might be making this up but I'm sure I've read that it's quieter as well. One of my biggest gripes with the 360 is that it sounds like a harrier jet flying through a tornado and that's before the game has even loaded up.

Damn I've digressed from my original point... Oh yeah. What I'm saying is that why did Sony decide to make all these improvements on the slim and then remove such a good one? Being able to hit up classics like FFX, God of War and both Team ICO games would have been great. The reason behind this is probably so they can flog more on the Playstation store. Why play the copy of Shadow of the Colossus you already own when you can download it again at a bumped up cost? Call me a whiner but it's a bit cheap taking that backwards compatibility away and then selling digital copies of PSone/2 games on the store. Yeah I have a PS2 stored away, but I haven't the space or plugs to have it lined up with a bunch of other consoles. Argh!

2. Most of its top games can be bought on the 360


The PS3 is definitely lacking in terms of console-specific titles. Games like Bioshock, Modern Warfare 2 and GTA IV for example tend to appear in 'best of PS3' lists, regardless of the fact they are sold on multiple platforms. As all of those games are available on the 360, I already have access to some of the best 'PS3' games without actually owning a PS3.

I am nitpicking here though, because the games I can't play do have me frothing at the mouth like a prepubescent boy with a Nuts mag. And on the flip side if I ever wanted to sell the 360 I could get some of those great games again for PS3. Hmm...this is turning into a pro and not a con. Cuntmuffins. There was a reason behind it somewhere. Sorta.

3. The waggly wand thing looks even worse than Project Natal


As ludicrous as this may sound, Playstation's motion dongle looks even more of a waste of time than Microsoft's jumped-up eye toy - Project Natal. From the vids I've seen it's basically an ugly Wii controller with a bobble on the end. One clip in particular (which does stress that the design will change) is especially hilarious as it tries to talk up the product with some of the dullest games I have ever seen. Yeah they may be for demonstration purposes only, but my god you could have more fun circumsising hamsters.

My favourite part of the video is when one of the demonstrators uses the controller to pick up a blue building block, to which the other explains 'Anton is effectively reaching into the scene, bridging the gap between the real and virtual world'. If all I can do in the virtual world is play with poorly rendered lego and not bang blue alien chicks I'm going to be extremely disappointed. Some of the later footage looks better, although you can't help but think it's all a tad pointless. I'm mainly referring to the drawing tool here, because whilst it's cool, some paper and a pencil costs like £2. This on the other hand won't.

And no I won't have to buy it, but let's face it, developers want to make money and this shit sells. So whilst good games are rotting on the ideas shelf, new crummy motion games will be popping up everywhere, to the delight of idiots nationwide. Damn you Nintendo!

4. They are going to start charging for the online service


This has to be the most sucky thing on my list and no it isn't in any specific order. Since the dawn of this gen, gamers were aware that Microsoft charged for online play and Sony didn't. The problem Sony had was that no one was buying their console, probably because it cost more than a lap dance from the Queen. Unfortunately everyone already owned a 360 by the time the price did come down, putting them at a bit of a disadvantage. The redesign did boost sales but I think I'm right in saying there are substantially fewer people playing PS3 online than Xbox. In my opinion it would therefore make sense for Sony to use this free online play as a method of tempting those 360heads to the grey side.

You can imagine my surprise when I read the other day that they now plan to introduce a tiered payment scheme for specific services. This to me sounds like another way of confusing 'teh noobs' and at the same time blows a great selling point out of Sony's proverbial butthole. Confused parents won't get it and gamers won't buy it. It's a lose-lose sitch and it makes me less inclined to buy a PS3. Wah. At least the 360's subscription system works. You either pay or ya don't! Simple. I mean it's like feeding your cat for 6 years and then one day changing the locks on the catflap. You just don't do it! Bad Sony!

5. I don't like the L2 and R2 buttons


I'm not joking this is actually one of my criteria. The few times I've held the PS3 pad I've been shocked to find that both the L2/R2 buttons don't really sit inside the controller chasis, so much as they just bend around the back like crippled yoga victims. It's missing that sort of satisfying clicky-in-ness, which is especially important when playing FPS. You can't boom headshot with one of these! I don't understand why they changed it, it is in fact the only thing different to the old PS2 ones and it doesn't make any sense. If something is perfect just leave it alone. Don't feel guilty because you haven't fiddled with it in a while (that's what she said).

END

If you're wondering what the outcome of this test is - probably 'yes' but a bit 'no'.